Valentine’s Day is coming up in two days. I forgot to manifest a boyfriend, so I’ll be celebrating with a delicious vegan dinner at Modern Love with my friend Casey. But if you’re dating a man (or other person who’d like this stuff), and you forgot to buy a present, you’re in luck! My friend Ivy asked my thoughts on last-minute V Day gifts available from Amazon Prime. Here are 5 options that would be suitable for any of the men I’ve cared seriously for in the past decade:
Is it live or is it Memorex? Actually, it’s a USB stick wedged inside what looks like the mix tape you would have popped into the deck of your ’88 Buick Electra with rusted-through doors before driving your friends to Wendy’s in high school. But instead of filling it with Led Zeppelin’s “Living Loving Maid” and Foreigner’s “Hot Blooded” (though this is a song progression I, strangely, really recommend), throw together some love songs that communicate what’s special about your bond.
If your relationship is:
- tortured: “I Don’t Know Why” by Stevie Wonder
- new and ill-defined: “Cut to the Feeling” by Carly Rae Jepsen
- with a punk fan: “I Wanna Be Your Joey Ramone” by Sleater-Kinney
- teeming with resentment: “Do I Look Worried?” by Tedeschi Trucks Band
- 35 and over: “Not The Only One” by Bonnie Raitt
- in your head: “Whole Wide World” by Cage the Elephant
- the kind where you have a drawer full of Agent Provocateur and routinely get sidetracked and miss your dinner reservation: “Glory Box” by Portishead
On the off chance you didn’t already use this lazy gift idea for the December holidays, grab a pair of Woolrich slippers to keep his feet warm this interminable winter. Bonus: You can steal them.
My ex had this in Walnut (not presently available for Prime shipping) and it’s great for getting sidetracked by StoryCorps on NPR while trying to get out the door in the morning. It will also look great on basically any nightstand, including mine. Hmmm, maybe I need one.
I have never tried this nor have I (to my knowledge) made out with a man who has but the guy in the above photo does not look like he Fs around with his beard and this stuff is rated 4.4 stars after 279 reviews. Also, if your face smells like sandalwood you should bring it closer to my face, thanks.
I bought a few of these as Christmas gifts and they are both beautifully packaged and pretty fun. My love language is receiving praise for my cleverness (I am… working on this because it’s not that cute), so game night is great foreplay.